February to December, round trip

As I sit here in a Vegas Hotel room, I reflect on how my life has made a hairpin-loop turn from last March.

Back at the end of February, we booked a trip to Las Vegas. I had been in pain for a couple of days, and the night before the trip, I decided I had enough and we went to the hospital, thinking it was my appendix. Turns out I had an ovarian "chocolate" cyst the size of a softball. After the cyst was drained, I got in touch with my OBGYN and found out there were three more cysts on my ovary. A surgery was scheduled, and in the process of removing the cysts and the right ovary, we found out that endometriosis had pretty much tied my tubes for me, so there would be no children "naturally" in my future (and it explained why there were none in my past.)

It was hard to swallow at first. I mean, I had been convinced I couldn't get pregnant, but until the surgery there was still a little hope in the back of my mind. So, I put on my strong face, said "I can deal with this", and with the help of my husband worked through all the emotions that result from this kind of news - it wasn't a one-day process, more like a few-months process.

There are a few things I've realized, and since we finally made it to Vegas 10 months later, I wanted to share - with myself, but if you're interested, I'll share with you, too:

1) I've had the same best friend since I was 8 and she was 10. She's the closest thing to a sister that I've ever had. The day after the surgery she came to the hospital. She and I were alone in the room, I told her about what they found, and she asked about having children. She cried for me. I teased her and said, "Why are you crying? It's not your ovary they removed..." but I have to say, the memory still warms my heart. Not that I like to see her cry, but only the best hand-picked family members would share news like that with the emotions you couldn't feel at the time because you were drugged and trying to be strong.

2) My husband is the most fantastic person I could ever find to marry. He has always had a "wait and see" approach to kids, and when we found out the news, he absorbed it with me and held my hand (both literally and figuratively) to walk through this maze of emotion and facts. There were days I couldn't stand to have him away from me, and he was there. There were days when he went to work and was mentally still at home with me. There were days that he interpreted what I was going through before I could, and knew exactly what to say to help me through it. This man is my miracle on earth, and my heart and soul. He's also very wise and has helped me to recognize that just because we don't have kids doesn't mean we'll cease to exist. He's helped me to understand it's about the relationships we have and the souls inside the body, not about where the sperm and egg came from.

3) There is a difference between "childless" and "child free." Being "childless" can leave someone with the feeling that they will never be complete. However, being child free can give you opportunities that you may not otherwise enjoy - and not just the "we-can-take-off-any-time-we-want-without-a-sitter" opportunities. Although those are nice, I have opportunities to build better relationships with members of my family than I would not have had the time otherwise. There are some pretty great kids inside (and outside) of my family, and I want to help them when I can and where I can.

4) My brother and sister-in-law are incredible, and I appreciate that they share their family with me. Jaiden's world revolves around Mom and Dad, but he's also his own independent little guy. Jodi has found the balance between being his mom and his buddy, and his world is fun at this age. The only pain he seems to know is when it's bedtime and he doesn't want to go to sleep (and maybe when he falls off his bike.) It gives me warm fuzzies to see Carl tease Jaiden the way dads do, and reminds me of the great dad I once had and enjoyed at that age. At four, Jaiden is fun, witty at times, and loves to play with anyone. I know that he can't stay four forever, but I appreciate that I get the opportunity to enjoy him at this age (and that he still thinks Aunt Jessi is cool....I know that won't last much longer...;-))

5) Anyone who is a mother or father, whether biologically or blessed in some other way, connects to that child's world - and it's not always easy. It may have fun times, but I watch some people have trouble feeding and clothing their kids, or struggle to find some way to balance work and family life. Still others struggle with the other parent of the child that they no longer want to be connected to, but the child needs. But, what I don't see is that anyone who struggles loves their children any less. When I was very young, my parents struggled with making ends meet, but we always had clothes and food. As I got older and my mother was widowed, I watched her struggle to balance us and work because we had financial needs that she understood, even if we didn't. I used to ask why she couldn't just go on welfare and stay home with us - and as an adult, I'm glad she didn't take my advice. You see, most kids don't know what "poor" is - they just know what their world exists of. As I think back to our double-wide trailer with hand-me-down furniture, I think of the bedroom that my parents wallpapered for me in pink and even now, my childhood memories make me feel like I was a five-year-old princess living in a palace.

6) My mom is the strongest person I know. Over this year, I found out even more about her struggles - with us, with my father, and with making a better life for her kids. After she was left alone with three kids, she found the strength to tell her parents she'd take care of us on her own and she didn't need to move in with them (maybe for her own sanity as well....) She went back to school, got an RN degree, and continued to work and raise us throughout all of this. There were days we'd spend at the pool or the park while she studied - we played, she worked, and as long as she was there we were happy. And through all of this, she still managed to take us on vacations to Disneyland and Washington, as well as camping trips. I only appreciate her more as I get older.

With a lot of help from my husband and family, I am able to take inventory about what my life holds, and I realize I'm not "missing" kids. My life is filled, but I have an infinite capacity to love, and I look forward to putting it to good use.